Important Notice: New Building Entry Procedures

Ensuring the safety of our membership, children, clergy and especially the office staff will be a little easier as Congregation Etz Chaim was awarded a Homeland Security Grant to install the first Ayeen Scanner at our front door.  It was somewhat of a surprise when CEC became the test site for a cutting-edge eye recognition security system designed to keep out strangers.  "We're an appealing test site because we are a community where everybody knows everybody," said Carol Meyer, the Temple's administrator. According to Dr. Bigg Macher, U.S. Department of Homeland Security Chief of Technology Perception, "We're taking a suburban congregation and asking, `What is Jon Q. Public's perception of this technology?"

The iris scanning technology will be used to identify members, students, and employees and those authorized make deliveries to the Temple and unlock the doors for them.  Anyone else will have to show ID before being allowed in.  In the wake of shootings, child abductions and threats, congregations nationwide have been taking steps to tighten security, from installing metal detectors and video cameras to hiring extra guards.  But iris scanning has never been used in a Temple, according to Lina Page, director of marketing for Iridian Technologies. The company holds patents on the iris recognition software being used here.  Iris recognition systems use a video camera to record the colored ring around the eye's pupil.

More accurate than fingerprints and other biometric markers, iris scanning is considered a nearly foolproof way of identifying people because markings in the iris are unique to each person and do not change as people age.  CEC was among some 400 religious organizations that applied for a grant from the Homeland Security for the iris recognition technology.  The federal agency and the URJ are building a database on congregational security and are using CEC as its first data collection.  "The unique thing about our grant is we picked an ayeen scanning technology rather than the eye scanner everyone else was doing," said Anne Stein, Temple Educator.  The technology has a wide range of applications.  Officials at the Charlotte, N.C. airport recently installed iris recognition systems to identify employees, pilots and flight attendants.  And United Nations workers have used it to keep track of Afghani refugees and prevent them from claiming more than their share of aid packages.  Biometrics expert Paul Robertson of TruSecure Corp. in Herndon, Va., said he sees potential benefit in the ayeen scanning system over the eye scanner but questions if it's the best technology for controlling entry to temples.  He cited privacy concerns on behalf of people whose personal data is stored in the Temple's system and cautioned against overreliance on a single technology.   Meyer pointed out the security measures to keep these data private.  "We keep everything on a list atop Mike's desk.  No one can find anything there," she said.

All families will be asked to report to the Temple office before Passover so that pictures can be taken of each ayeen, and the images will be stored in a computer database.  The whole procedure takes less than five minutes.  Rabbi Andrea Cosnowsky, Associate Rabbi notes that, while storing the pictures in electronic format means these are not graven images, the strong flash makes the picture taking inappropriate for Shabbat. 

 Trading Spaces Comes to Etz Chaim

The TLC Network has recently approached Congregation Etz Chaim to participate in an episode of Trading Spaces. An exciting new show will be produced in June. The episode is entitled "Trading Religious Spaces." Congregation Etz Chaim is delighted to participate in the show and will be "trading spaces" with their neighbors at Christ the King Church. Both congregations will be decorating each others prayer space. Marilyn Streit, Etz Chaim's President was quoted as saying "This will be a wonderful opportunity for us to showcase our rituals and traditions at Christ the King!" Both congregations will be working closely with clergy, making sure that no detail is overlooked. At last months Board meeting, Etz Chaim's Board of Trustees unanimously voted in favor of holding next years High Holy Day services at Christ the King. Carol Meyer, Etz Chaim's Administrator was quoted as saying "It will be a wonderful change of pace and with all the improvements to the prayer space we will feel right at home!"  Interestingly enough, at Christ the King's Board meeting last month, they too voted unanimously to hold Christmas Midnight Mass at Etz Chaim.  "We have a big parking lot and Christmas Eve falls on a Sunday this year, so we won't be using it anyway", Carol went on to say.

 

Words From Greg Zelman

 

Byline: Aria

[This picture taken by Google: military sites only, near that nearly mythical place: Lake Woebegone]

Once again, Congregation's  Etz's Chaim's Music's Department's  Music's & S'Mores  Director, Greg Zelman, and our temple choir team, are off and probably running. The Iditarod, don't you know, is held during the month of March/2008 CE after they finish the initial trials in Maui.

   

The Dogs of Purim

(a green story written on recycled moose-paper)

(continued from the prior issue)

What?

That it was the best of times?

That it was the worst of times?

Are times really that bad?

They, the current regime apparatchiks, tell us that good times are here again.  We just gotta' believe!  What's that all about?  Faith-based philosophy?

And how can 'time' be really 'good' or 'bad'?

Isn't 'time' simply 'time'?

The prior edition was based on thousands and thousands of pages of thoughtfully prepared text and even words replete with authentic secular letters of the alphabet, which were finally culled into the most wonderful story ever told.  And, the last issue ended with a teaser line about some kind of impending 'discovery'.  How hard can it really be to make a Discovery?  I mean, sure, Daniel Pinkwater, professional author, did a great job writing a column for Purim.  And he made new discoveries of how to uncover deals where deals had not been dealt and how to make contacts where no contacts had previously gone.  And some of this he discovered and uncovered himself; the rest was discovered and uncovered as his people met with our people and hashed it all out with special considerations, green room requests, guaranteed number of books per b'nai mitzvah student per semester, shrinkage in the library, and publisher minimums. But what was so special about what he did?  A software program could have allowed him to speak the story into his computer.  A processing program could have suggested alternative ideas, or was it alternative spellings?  And there you have it!  Article done. 

Now, our people, the Siberians, use thought control to make things happen.  And together with the ancestors of Uri Gellor we even suggested a good way to make a buck with it for the humans; they're always trying to make a buck at something or inflate the bottom line to beat out the next breed. 

It takes some real dog-sense and the ability to track down a subtle scent which belongs in the realm of a Siberian Husky.  Even the bouquet of Purim wine is something so exquisite, delicate and accessible to a connoisseur, but it is only  truly understood by a true Siberian.  A real Siberian, a true patriot, is able to distinguish leeward grown grapes from the windward grown grapes and those grapes again from the shade-grown grapes which are only used in the highest classification of the vintage of vintages: Purim wine reserved for Elijah!

Last year, when you tried to read and then tried to nibble the edition marked: "Scratch, sniff and learn!®" some of you thought it might have been one of those illiterate hoaxes.  But this year, we some something New! And Improved! And bring you version 3.5 of the newest chapter yet to hit the webpages of the temple b'll'tin.  Yes, something only dreamed of!  Something never considered before!  Now, with your current completely virus-free, guaranteed, download, you can Pee, Read תּ and Sing®!  In place of boring, merely sniffable words, you will now be able to sing along a very special song written by the most famous composer of all, the man who made a 'White Christmas' possible for any gentile or even other business people  in America, the man who created the reason for the season in his wonderfully pastel coloured 'Easter Parade', the gifted writer who created 'There's No Business Like Show Business' the man who sang the original Patriot's song, yes, the One, the Only, Irving Siberianski! 

Through the marvels of Library: The Search, our research team has found the urtext edition of the most wonderful song below and thoughtfully brought it to you with only minor chances of corruption to your hard drive, so that you, too can now Pee, Read תּ and Sing®! In the privacy of wherever the most wonderful Song of Songs, which could have put a blush on Solomon's cheek: G_d Bless Purimland!

(a song of ancient Babylonia)

(discovered in Minnesota)

(you betcha!)

(translated by an authentic patriot)

By: Irving Siberianski

O Lake Woebegone!

A dark and stormy night: no dawn

And far across the sea

NEATO was unable to agree

To swear allegiance to the Halliburton-free

Let us all be grateful for the lands & their EXXON fees

As we raise our voices in solemn praises

Of the trails, and sleds and Siberian Huskies: Forward Mush! Look not dazed!

O Siberians!

O Lake Woegebone!

Lands, trails, snow that Esther loved and which we love

Fall not from the runners

Guide them past the House of Ahasuerus, O North Star

Through the night, with the light, from a-Bové.

From the mountains of Shushan, to the prairies

To the Arctic, to Antarctic, white with soapy foam

O tundra! Our tundra!

Our home, sweet home!

What?  Two verses aren't sufficient?  To be continued! Of course!